Hearts Afire
by Angelone
Summary: Emily Q finds her world shattered soon after she and Lucky are married through tragic circumstance. She's lost and alone. Can Nik save her and keep himself from falling in love with his brother's wife. Come along for a poignant ride with Nik/Em and Luc


Hearts Afire Summer 2002  
  
Prologue Central Wisconsin Women's Correctional Facility  
  
There was no doubt in my mind. Her beauty was truly intoxicating. Every second spent in her presence was a gift, a gift that was about to be snatched away. Trying to memorize every minute with my daughter, I pulled back the pink blanket that covered her. She wore only a disposable diaper. I didn't have any clothes for her, nor would I be able to get any. Touching her soft skin was equally as rewarding. A rush of maternal pride came over me. As if sensing my mood, Paige's blue eyes locked into mine. In her gaze I saw the wisdom of the ages and the innocence of a life that was just beginning. She had so much to look forward to. Only I wasn't going to be there to share it with her.  
  
"You are just starting down a long road, my little one," I crooned to her. I stroked her soft hand. A newborn's hand is so small, so fragile, but Paige didn't seem quite that fragile. She was a part of me and part of her father. She had strength aplenty. She looked at me with complete trust.  
  
"No matter where you go, no matter who has the pleasure of raising you, never forget your true parents. You were born out of a very special love. You will always be my miracle. You survived when other babies wouldn't. You have given us yourself, and you are the most stupendous gift God could ever give me or your father. And remember too, Paige that your father and grandmother and I will always be watching out for you, if not where you can see us, always in our hearts." I slipped a letter under the blanket as Nurse Thatcher or Thatcher as we called her came into the maternity ward. I was the only one in the four bed ward. She looked harried and tired, busy as she was with other inmates. I wasn't her only patient, even though it felt like it from where I sat. Quickly, I pulled the pink blanket around the baby. Protectively, I held her against me.  
  
"It's time, Bowen. The social worker is here to take the baby."  
  
"No," replied. "You can't have her. She's my baby, Thatcher."  
  
"Oh, come on, Bowen. Be realistic. You aren't allowed to keep the baby and you know it. You've already signed the adoption papers." Thatcher stood next to my narrow prison bed, her hands on her hips in her Correctional Officer uniform. Her black hair was cropped close like most of the women guards. She was middle aged and I knew she had two children who were grown. Didn't she understand how hard this was for me?  
  
"She's all I've got in the world," I moaned. "She's all I've got left of her father."  
  
"Whose fault is that?" Thatcher snapped. I didn't dignify the comment with an answer. Instead I kissed Paige again. She had fallen asleep, oblivious of our imminent separation. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and handed over my little girl. Thatcher didn't say anything. She simply carried Paige away. The ache in my heart was worse than anything I had ever felt before, worse than losing my mom as a child, worse than losing Paige's father, and even worse than the day I had been sentenced to this hell hole.  
  
"I hate you, Thatcher," I yelled after the officer. She didn't turn around, only kept on walking, right out of the ward. My arms were empty. So was my heart. There was nothing left or so I thought. My husband was dead, and now Paige was gone. I was in jail for 25 years to life for murder. Never mind that the man I was supposed to have killed was the love of my life. It didn't make sense. Nothing made sense.I knew now it never would.  
  
Part I Chicago, IL 2010  
  
"Emily? Emily, where are you?" Jacob called through the front door of my apartment. I was startled by his voice and his knocking on my door. Looking through the bay window I realized it was almost dark outside. I had been working so intensely on the computer that I had lost track of the time. I rushed to the door to let my friend and my landlord in.  
  
"Phew," Jacob sighed. "Well at least I know where you are. Now, would you please tell me why you aren't downstairs?" Jacob Hughes gave me a frustrated look as he walked into the second floor flat he had rented to me just two years before.  
  
"Hello to you too," I answered. Turning to me, Jacob's natural warmth shone through. He could never stay mad for long. That was what made him such a good friend.  
  
"Brat," He teased back. "You were supposed to be downstairs an hour ago you know. My Linguini is about starched out."  
  
"Forget that line," I laughed. "You always make a perfect meal. And I am always late."  
  
"True. But Cari has been here for an hour. She said she was hungry and you needed to move it."  
  
"Cari didn't work with a computer program all day. She can afford to wait," I shot back hurrying into my bedroom and pulling a brush through my hair at my vanity. Cari was Jacob's fiancé, a petite blond who earned her living through a trust fund. I wished. I could have had a trust fund, I thought to myself as I changed my sweater. But then I had made that choice when I married Lucky. Almost a decade later, that life where money came and went and the crazy Quartermaines ran my life was over. Sometimes I even missed it. Most of all I missed Lucky, the life we had been cheated of and our little daughter.  
  
"Ready?" Jacob queried as I came back to the living room. "You look smashing as always." I looked again at my friend, and stopped mid step.  
  
"You didn't? Oh, Jacob," I sighed. Jacob flushed just the least bit. He was like a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I was tempted to take him by the ear and lead him back home in shame. Instead I put my hands on my waist and waited. Jacob, a hard driving, gracious man who was a millionaire by the time he was 30 wasn't really what you would call handsome. His facial structure was a little weak, but his eyes were kind and giving. At heart he was a hopeless romantic. His intelligence belied his belief that there was a special someone out there for everyone, including me. Since he was taken, he figured he was my own personal matchmaker. In two years he had introduced me to a half dozen young men. He was driving me nuts.  
  
"It's not really a blind date," Jacob apologized, running his hand through his blond hair, and grinning like a monkey at me. I gave him a skeptical look.  
  
"Honest, Emily. You remember my friend, Nik. He's visiting for the weekend. We were planning to go out and party tonight, but he asked to stay in. So that's when I decided to ask you for supper."  
  
"Figures," I groaned. "Okay, lead me to the slaughter. But you owe me.again." Jacob's face lit up like a Christmas tree. I followed him downstairs to the front porch, then across the porch and into his flat, thinking about Nik. He had told me about the friend who lived in New York City. He said Nik was a dreamy kind of guy, lived in his own world sometimes, but look out when he lost his temper. He was rich and good looking and had had a tough life, but seldom talked about it. He had been doing business with Jacob for a few years and the two men both enjoyed race cars, baseball, and apple pie or so Jacob joked. The fact that they both could fly off and enjoy themselves whenever they wanted probably helped bolster the friendship. Jacob was always fun to be around.  
  
"Cari, we're here. Get the linguini," Jacob yelled as we walked into the foyer of his home. For a man who had more cash than the Quartermaines, Jacob's home was definitely down scale. He had bought the place ten years before when he was just starting out in business. He kept saying he was meaning to get a bigger place, but he never did. Lately he teased me saying I'd be lonely if he and Cari left. The truth was, he was right. Jacob was one of my only friends in all of Chicago.  
  
"Hold your horses," Cari shouted back from the kitchen. We walked from the foyer into the living room. I looked curiously around for Jacob's friend. The living room that led to the dining room was curiously empty. To the right were the bedrooms.  
  
"Nik, where are you?" Jacob yelled out. I had to laugh. Nothing like a nice quiet evening at Jacob's. The guest bedroom door opened and a shadow started to emerge. I had deposited myself quite comfortably on the living room sofa. After two years, Jacob's home was like walking into Lucky's parents. It was my home.  
  
Jacob walked past the dining room table that was set for four into the kitchen. I was assuming he planned to help Cari. I closed my eyes, trying to shut out my computer screen. Staring at a 17 inch monitor every day for eight to ten hours hurt sometimes. Laying my head back, I tried to relax figuring Jacob's friend would walk into the room, and see I was disinterested, and then maybe join Cari and Jacob in the kitchen. I heard his footsteps growing closer. No such luck. What was wrong with him that he didn't say anything, I wondered.  
  
"Dinner is served," Jacob called as he came back into the dining room. I opened my eyes and started to stand up. Jacob's friend took my hand and helped up just as I looked into his all too familiar face. For a minute our eyes were locked on each other. I was stunned and I was fairly so was he.  
  
"Nik, meet Emily, and Em, meet my friend." Jacob's voice trailed off as he saw our reactions. A rush of adrenalin passed through me as the memories overwhelmed my heart and mind. Feeling faint, I grabbed the edge of the sofa with my friend. His grasp tightened around my other one as Jacob rushed over.  
  
"Emily, you are not going to faint," Jacob instructed. I couldn't break my gaze from Nik, from Nikolas, from my own brother-in-law, a man I had never expected to see again.  
  
"Amen," Nikolas intoned. His voice was slightly deeper than it had been when we last saw each other. Could it have been on my wedding day, on the day Nikolas stood as Lucky's best man? How long ago and far away that day seemed. I sat down on the sofa, unable to even think of going to the table.  
  
"Emily, you okay?" Nikolas asked.  
  
"Of course I'm not," I snapped. "What do you think?" Nikolas grinned.  
  
"There's the response I expected. Just wanted to make sure."  
  
"What are you doing here, Nikolas? How did you find me?"  
  
"Find you? Emily, I wasn't looking for you, at least not here. I was visiting Jacob. Seemed like a nice way to relax before going back to Port Charles." Nikolas sat down on the other side of the sofa. I saw Cari come into the dining room. Jacob went over and talked to her. They both disappeared back into the kitchen. I appreciated their discretion.  
  
"I'm not up for this," I mumbled. Nikolas gave me an odd look.  
  
"Emily, where is Lucky? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Jacob!" I yelled. I was up and off the sofa in no time. There was no way I was going to explain the last almost nine years to Nikolas, no way I was going to tell him about Lucky and the ensuing nightmares that still haunted me. I couldn't. There was no way. Jacob and Cari came out of the kitchen hand in hand. Jacob, six feet tall, his face concerned, his blond hair in slight disarray from Cari probably trying to make out in the kitchen, and Cari, a foot smaller and looking rather miffed followed me as I started towards the door. Nikolas grabbed my arm.  
  
"Emily, where are you going?"  
  
"Home, where do you think. It was nice to see you, Nikolas," I answered.  
  
"Emily, where is my brother and what the hell is going on? It's been almost ten years since you and Lucky left Port Charles and it's been nine years since we heard from either of you. Do you know how long we've been looking for you two?" Nikolas demanded. I pulled my arm away as Jacob's hand touched Nikolas' shoulder.  
  
"Nikolas leave it alone," he encouraged.  
  
"Like hell," Nikolas retorted. I could see the Cassidine temper smoldering in Nikolas' eyes. I shuddered. The Cassidine temper was famous in Port Charles, famous for it's abrupt fire and destruction. But Nikolas had never been destructive, not towards me.  
  
"He doesn't know, Jacob," I tried. "He doesn't know." I turned back to go out the front door when Jacob spoke gently. I was shaking from head to foot.  
  
"Emily, you can't just leave him hanging. He has a right to know. If you want, I'll come upstairs with you and you can tell him there, but you can't leave him in the dark. He's Lucky's brother." I turned back. Nikolas wore an expression of puzzled concern. Jacob's eyes were full of sympathy. Only he knew the truth. Only Jacob knew.  
  
"He doesn't have any rights," I cried. "Where was he when I needed him? Where were any of them when Lucky.Oh God!" Without hesitation, Jacob stepped forward, pulling me into a protective hug as I burst into tears. It was too painful. I felt a surge of hysteria pulling me downward. This time I couldn't keep myself under control. I sank to the ground in excruciating emotional pain. To my surprise, it was Nikolas who knelt down and picked me up. He was so gentle, so caring. I wanted to fight him, to let him know he was holding a piranha, an enigma to the life he knew. But my protests were barely noticed.  
  
"I'll take her home," he told Jacob. "Want to lead the way."  
  
"Maybe you should just let her lay down in the guest room. I don't want her to be alone, Nikolas."  
  
"She won't be alone, Jacob. I won't leave her I promise. Jacob, for God's sake. She's my sister-in-law and one of my best friends. I won't hurt her, I promise."  
  
"No matter what she says?" Jacob queried protectively. I would have laughed if the memories weren't insulting every inch of my soul. I could hear Lucky's voice, see Paige's sweet face, hear the prison doors slamming, and feel the world caving in around me. The tears had dried up, but I felt as if I had no strength while Jacob and Nikolas stood and argued.  
  
"It's obvious something terrible happened, Jacob. I have to know, but I won't hurt her. I love her."  
  
"Fine, but Emily." I had rested my head on Nikolas' shoulder. Poor Jacob. I didn't really respond to him. He opened the front door and we followed him across the porch we had crossed such a short time before. He opened my door, and let us in.  
  
"Top of the stairs, the set up is pretty much the same. She keeps coffee brewing in the kitchen and some brandy in the cupboard. That might help. Nikolas, I'm serious, go easy on her, and if you want, come and talk to me when you're done. She's been through hell."  
  
"I can see that," Nikolas returned. "Thanks, Jacob." Nikolas carried me up the stairs, and opened the door to my home. He padded silently across the carpet, the same beige carpet Jacob had in his place, then laid me gently on my living room sofa. Still I barely moved. I wanted to shut my mind down, to dissolve the pictures in my brain. It was as if all the memories I had so carefully tried to forget since I lost Paige were trying to drown me in a pit of sorrow. I felt a blanket being placed over me, the blanket I kept draped over the sofa for snuggling on cold winter night, snuggling all alone when I should have been in Lucky's arms. I shivered. Suddenly Nikolas was helping me to sit up. He put a hot cup of coffee in my hands. I looked at him.  
  
"Drink it," He ordered. Surprised by my own meekness, I took a sip of the hot liquid, gasping in surprise as I realized he really had laced it with brandy. The hot liquid burned as it went down my throat bringing me back to reality a bit. Jacob had been right. But then he usually was.  
  
"Better?" Nikolas asked. "At least you've got some color in your cheeks."  
  
"Better," I admitted. It wasn't cold in the apartment, and certainly my heart was on fire with pain and denial but still the warmth of the coffee cup felt good in my hands. I glanced at the cup and realized it was one I had bought soon after I had arrived in Chicago with my first paycheck at a second hand store. There was a crack on the very top and I had cut my lip on it more than once. But there was a picture of a dog on it that reminded me of Annabelle, the dog I had had as a girl in Port Charles, the beautiful pet Lucky's mutt had mated with to my grandfather's chagrin. I smiled a little recalling a happy thought.  
  
"Hey, now that's the Emily I remember," Nikolas encouraged. He set his own cup of coffee down on the small table on his side of the sofa. I held on to mine, but leaned back, pulling the cover up to my waist with my free hand. Nikolas sat back. He gazed at me. I looked away.  
  
"Emily, you don't have to talk about it."  
  
"Yes, I do," I answered. I took a long sip of the fortifying liquid now. I wished in a way I could get tipsy or drunk or whatever, but there wasn't enough brandy in the coffee to do that. I put my cup on the table on the other side of the sofa, and turned the light down on the lamp that had automatically come on when we came into the room. I had set them up that way to be sensitive to a person entering the room. Another lamp near Nikolas was more brightly lit.  
  
"Lucky left, didn't he?" Nikolas started. When I didn't answer, he closed his eyes, and then opened them. "Why? Why would he leave you, Emily? Did you think you'd be more safe? I know he loved you. I don't understand." I swallowed, and then gathered my courage. Leaning towards Nikolas, I took his hands in mine, and then let my eyes meet his. I had to squelch my own feelings. Nikolas was going to need me just as I had needed him minutes before.  
  
"Nikolas, Lucky did leave me, but he didn't leave willingly," I said. Nikolas didn't seem to understand, so I told him the story. I told him the truth and watched, for the second time in my life, as a man I loved was destroyed simply because of love.  
  
Flashback  
  
Winter 2001 Undisclosed location in Wisconsin  
  
I was standing in front of the two-paned window of the small house Lucky and I were living in. Built on a hill, the downstairs was at ground level and so was the upstairs. I enjoyed the house because it was set in the country, isolated from it's neighbors by tall bristling pines and acres of farmland now covered by a modest layer of snow that was rapidly growing. The wind whistled through the pines and shook the windows a in a chilling breeze. The weather had been mild until tonight. We were in the middle of one of the few large snowfalls we were to receive that winter. My nose touched the cold pane as I looked outside. I felt like a little kid at Christmas, even though it was the end of January and Christmas was long gone. Two warm protective arms encircled my waist. I stiffened only for a second until I heard Lucky's voice whisper provocatively in my ear.  
  
"You plan to watch the snow all night or can I interest you in other activity." His voice was suggestive to say the least. I turned around to face him. I touched his wrinkled brow, knowing beneath his teasing façade, he was worried, just as worried as he had been since our honeymoon almost ended in our final demise.  
  
"You look tired," I countered. "You shouldn't spend all your time at that computer. We need to have some fun or good news at the very least."  
  
"I thought I was suggesting some fun," Lucky protested, grinning with his most mischievous look, and sending shivers of delight through me as his lips met mine. His hands touched me in ways only a husband would or should dare. His desire as electric as a bolt of lightning flashed between us. For a second I lost himself in his embrace. Reluctantly I pulled away towards the window.  
  
"You were," I agreed. "But I'm worried about you. Maybe you should go see the doctor."  
  
"Emily," Lucky sighed. He turned back towards the living room. The house was tiny with only the one bedroom upstairs and a bath and the living room, a small study and kitchen downstairs. A fire blazed in the fireplace, keeping the house warm so we could save money on gas bills. The house had come furnished and it was filled with mostly second hand items that you would get at Goodwill. Lucky flopped down on a recliner. Without thought, I sat down in his lap.  
  
"Ah, you do want to play," my husband laughed. His laugh didn't reach his blue eyes. I could feel his tension. We had been stuck in the house for months, afraid to go anywhere except for quick forays into town. The fear and anxiety was getting to both of us.  
  
"Maybe we've been here too long," I told him. "Maybe we should move. Or maybe we could call your parents and see if it's safe."  
  
"No, Emily. I won't put them in danger. This has nothing to do with my father. This has to do with my stupidity in working for Sonny. I should never have taken jobs from Sonny. I just wanted to earn enough money to finish school and get married."  
  
"It's not your fault, Lucky. It's not even Sonny's. How could either of you know you would hear overhear a plot to kill Scott Baldwin?"  
  
"Better yet, how couldn't I have gotten out of town without being discovered? Baldwin ought to be shot for fingering me as one of the men who actually wanted him dead, not that I don't now."  
  
"Our families must be frantic," I mused. "Family is so important, Lucky. What are we going to tell our family some day, that we were too afraid to go home, even when it might have been safe? I want our children to be proud of us." I leaned against him. His arms held me tightly, as if he would never let me go. I hoped he never would.  
  
"We'll get home before our children are even conceived, Emily. I just haven't figured out how yet."  
  
"I wouldn't be sure about that," I blurted before I could stop myself. I gasped, knowing I had let the cat out of the bag. I sat up. One look at my face and a smile a mile wide spread across Lucky's face. Any hesitation I had about conceiving a child in such a dangerous situation evaporated at the pride I saw in his blue eyes. For once, the worry was gone replaced by the man I loved, the man who carried my heart in his.  
  
"Emily.what are you saying?" he asked. "Are you.?"  
  
"I figure we'll be parents by the end of the summer," I confirmed. Lucky touched my still flat stomach almost reverently. He buried his head in my stomach, kissing me with a thousand dreams. I giggled.  
  
"Em." he started as he finished, looking up at me.  
  
"You're not mad are you? I mean, we're incognito per say. I keep wishing your parents could know and Monica and Alan and Jason. They'd be thrilled."  
  
"Spoil the kid rotten," Lucky laughed. "Lulu and Nikolas would." His voice stopped mid sentence. This should have been one of the happiest moments of our lives. Instead we were both grieving that our families couldn't join in our delight. I stood up.  
  
"Come on, let's go to bed." I pulled Lucky to his feet.  
  
"Let me check outside first," he replied.  
  
"Forget it, Lucky. No one is going to come out in a blizzard. It's too cold, icy and wet." Lucky kissed me on the lips, a long poignant kiss I knew I would always remember. Then, together, we walked upstairs, hand in hand, our warmth, our dreams, our love consuming us in the darkness of the winter night, leaving us with the knowledge that no matter what, we had each other and the baby we had conceived. Those emotions were intoxicating. We fell asleep after making love, holding each other against the brutal winter storm and the demons who sought to destroy us when we least expected.  
  
Someone was shaking me. Lucky's gentle touch was unmistakable. I sat up rubbing my eyes and trying to figure out what was going on. A quick glance at the clock told me it was near midnight. The little house was still shaking with the storm.  
  
"Lucky?"  
  
"Shh, I heard something outside."  
  
"Luck, there's a storm outside," I scolded. "You're being paranoid." Lucky put his hand under his side of the mattress. He handed me the gun he kept there for safety.  
  
"I don't want it," I told him. I hated guns with a passion and Lucky knew it.  
  
"Take it," he insisted. "I'll get the one in the kitchen."  
  
"Lucky!" I exclaimed again.  
  
"Stay close," he ordered. I followed him down the stairs. My eyes had adjusted to the black inkiness and I could make out his form. We ended up in the living room where embers from the fire place had long since died. A noise in the kitchen alerted both of us. We knew then that either we had been found or perhaps someone had found our home as a sanctuary from the storm. Lucky grabbed my coat and mittens and boots.  
  
"Get dressed," he whispered and go to the neighbors for help. Call 911. Tell them." his voice stopped as I started to protest. Dressed only in my nightgown I wouldn't get far in the storm and we knew it. But what stopped Lucky wasn't the foolhardiness of the plan, it was the man who stepped into the living room and turned on the light.  
  
"Well, well, well. Lucky Spencer. It's about time I got you where I wanted you." I didn't recognize the intruder. He raised his gun towards us. The gun I held behind me was worthless. I knew there was no way I could fire it.  
  
"Nasty night to be out hunting isn't it?" Lucky parleyed. I saw his eyes darting around the room, looking for anything to help us. I started to hand him the gun, but he moved forward, blocking me from the path of the man's gun. Even then, he was protecting me.  
  
"You're a dead man, Spencer. You were too easy to find, you know, you and your pretty little bride."  
  
"Leave Emily alone. She has nothing to do with this," Lucky tried to bargain. My heart was thumping. The seconds seemed to be moving in slow motion. I started to take my gun out. Maybe I could fire it. Lucky's body hid my hands from our assailant. I stepped up behind my husband, and poked him in the back, but he didn't allow me to hand the gun to him. He couldn't. If he had moved his hands, he would have been seen.  
  
"Too bad," The words were barely out of the man's mouth before he fired. It happened in slow motion, the way they say it always does, the bullet whizzing across the room, Lucky falling back into me and finally both of us crashing to the floor. I can still hear my scream and hear my gun skittering across the floor after I dropped it.  
  
"Lucky! Oh my God. Lucky." My attention was completely on my husband. Lucky struggled to move as I hurried to help him. He was bleeding profusely from a chest wound, so close to his heart. He looked down in stupefied wonder, as if he couldn't believe he'd been hit. I touched his chest, my hand coming away bright red. It was as if we were in shock.  
  
"I have to stop the bleeding, Lucky. I have to."  
  
"Emily," he said. His blue eyes locked into mine, his love a silent testimony of the man he was. I knelt beside him, grabbing a blanket off the sofa, and putting it over him. I wasn't thinking. I should have gone for ice in the freezer or stopped the bleeding. I was so confused. I touched his head, frozen for those minutes in time.  
  
"I love you," he said. His blue eyes spoke for him, the depth of the faith and hope he had always had in me, reflected as he gazed at me. Tears glistened in my eyes. Lucky used his hand to rub them away.  
  
"Take care of our baby," he managed to say. His voice was weak. I saw him close his eyes. His moan was barely audible as he held his chest, his hands covered with his blood. I was certain he was leaving me.  
  
"Lucky, no!" I screamed a cold anger suddenly hit me. I had never felt such rage. I looked up at the man who stood smugly over us. He was smiling without remorse. I raced towards him. I don't think he expected me to be so angry. He fell over the sofa, his own gun falling to the floor at my feet. I picked it up. As I held the weapon in my hand I wondered why I had hesitated before. I should have saved my husband. I should have killed this monster before he had the chance to hurt the father of my child. He stood up, holding his hand up.  
  
"Now, Miss. You don't want to do anything foolish. I was just doing my job." He was a big man, over six feet tall. He reminded me a little of Alan, but the cruelty in this man's eyes had never been reflected in my adopted father's.  
  
"You've killed my husband," I told him. "You're a monster."  
  
"I just do my job," he said, inching around me towards the door.  
  
"Stop," I ordered. I pulled back the trigger on the gun. He froze. Without further hesitation, I pulled the trigger. He fell back a foot or so, but didn't fall, so I pulled the trigger again. His face looked shocked but no more than my own. I dropped the gun. He walked towards me, and then fled out the door and into the night. I couldn't believe he was still walking, but I didn't care about that either. I heard Lucky call my name.  
  
"Lucky?" I asked kneeling down next to him again.  
  
"Em."  
  
"He's gone, Lucky. He's gone."  
  
"Get help," my husband ordered. "Call.help." Suddenly reality hit for both of us. I realized I had wasted precious time. Lucky groaned in pain again. I raced to the phone and called 911. The line was dead.  
  
"Lucky, Lucky we can't use the phone. I have to go for help."  
  
"No," Lucky cried. "Don't leave me." He wasn't afraid so much as in pain. He gasped with each breath. Finally thinking a little bit, I ran back into the kitchen and pulled some ice out of the ice tray, and wrapped it in a kitchen towel. Coming back into the living room, I put the towel in Lucky's hand and told him to hold it to the wound. He did as I said. Maybe it wasn't so hopeless I thought. Maybe he would live, if I could just get an ambulance out here. I kissed Lucky on the lips again.  
  
"I love you. Hang on for the baby. Hang on for me. I'll be back."  
  
"I'll hang on."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Promise," he answered. He looked the little boy I had known so long ago, waiting on me.  
  
"I'll hold you to it," I told him. In seconds I had pulled on my coat and boots and gloves. The door hadn't shut after the assailant ran out. The wind was blowing into the house, cold and sharp. The snow was harsh, hitting my face like icicles. The neighbor's house was only a quarter mile down the road as the snow flies. I had to get to them. They didn't know me. In fact we had never met, but I had to get to them. I shut the door behind me. Only a few feet outside the door, I tripped over the assailant's body. He grabbed my foot, and I shook him off, screaming hysterically. Turning, I ran.the wrong way. I didn't realize it until I had walked against the wind and snow for at least five minutes.  
  
"Oh God," I thought. "Please help me. I have to get to the neighbor. Lucky could die." I turned around, but felt so confused. I couldn't see anything except the snow blinding me, and I had turned left as I ran, walking away from the neighbor, not towards their house the way I should have. It was impossible to know which direction I was going in. I tried to see lights through the snow, the road, anything, but it was pitch black except for the snow. I walked. I walked and walked, but couldn't find anything. It was so cold. It was the middle of the night. Dawn was still hours away. Tripping in a drift, I laid there for a minute. My arms and legs felt numb. My heart thumped in fear, not just for my husband now, but for myself and the baby. I clawed my way over the drift, and realized I couldn't walk anymore.  
  
"Emily, save the baby," I heard Lucky say. Was he dead already? Was it already too late for him? Was he going to help me go to heaven with the baby?  
  
"No!" I screamed as loud as I could. The yell was my form of rebellion. Even if Lucky died.if I lost him forever, I wasn't going to lose our baby! I crawled to the other side of the drift. It protected me from the wind. It was at least six feet high. Remembering survival skills that Lucky taught me, I burrowed a hole in the side of the drift. Climbing inside I pulled my hat and coat over me. Leaning against the snowy wall, it was the only thing I could do to stay safe. The storm raged just feet away from me. Frozen to the bone, my body numb from shock, I pictured Lucky's face.  
  
"I'm sorry, Lucky," I said out loud. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I let you down. Please don't die. Please don't leave me. Please." The words echoed in the air. I felt sick with worry, with fear, and anger. The emotions in my soul were overwhelming. Slowly they subsided as exhaustion took over. I couldn't stay awake no matter how I tried. The last thing I thought of was my husband and how he was dying all alone in a cold house, dying and I wasn't there. I wasn't there.I just wasn't there.  
Part II  
  
"Emily," Nikolas sighed as I finished the story. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  
  
"Nikolas, if I could have found a better way to tell you, I would have. That night.I still have nightmares of how I left him. I left him all alone."  
  
"It wasn't your fault. You couldn't help it. You had to try. Lucky asked you to."  
  
"He did. He wasn't one to go lightly into the great good night. You know, the thing is I always expect to feel him when I need him most, but I never do. It's as if he's angry that I let him go. I thought he'd always be there, at least for me to lean on or something. Maybe that's not the way it goes." Nikolas stood. He walked over to the window that looked out on the street below. Slowly he turned back to me.  
  
"Em, why? Why didn't you tell us?" His voice was filled with anguish. I was startled by his poignancy. Feeling uncomfortable, I drew back on the sofa. Nikolas waited.  
  
"What was I supposed to do?" I asked in defense. "Lucky was dead. I had fired the murder weapon, and there was gunpowder residue on my hands. They convicted me the minute they arrested me which was while I was in the hospital being treated for pneumonia. Nikolas, I was in shock when they found me the next morning. I finally managed to make it to the neighbors when the snow let up, but I couldn't speak, and I was very ill. The police told me they'd found Lucky's body at the house and the bullet in his chest matched the gun found at the scene. No one believed I hadn't fired that gun. They didn't know me. They didn't know I would never hurt him, never. But I had shot a man. They never found the real murderer, only Lucky. What were they supposed to think?"  
  
"Emily, you needed help."  
  
"You don't understand. I let my husband die. It was my fault." Nikolas came to sit beside me. He took my hands in his squeezing them gently.  
  
"You didn't kill him, Emily."  
  
"I might as well have."  
  
"Emily," Nikolas tried again. I burst into tears. Nikolas held me in his arms. Our tears mingled with each other's.  
  
"I can't believe he's gone," Nikolas mumbled as he held me. The words helped me realize how much Nikolas had just lost. I had had eight years to get used to Lucky's being gone, not that I really ever wood regret his death, but Nikolas.  
  
"I'm sorry, Nikolas. I'm so sorry."  
  
"Stop apologizing, Emily. Lucky's the one who worked for Sonny. He didn't mean it to end the way it did."  
  
"Definitely not," I agreed.  
  
"Luke and Laura always held out hope, but as the years went by, they kind of caved in to the inevitable. They still expect him to come walking through the door, but at least they've built a life for themselves without waiting for that door to open."  
  
"Nikolas, don't tell them," I begged.  
  
"What?" His face was amazed. "They have to know, Em."  
  
"Why" I answered.  
  
"Why? That's a stupid question."  
  
"Is it? They've gone this long without knowing. What's the difference? At least they have hope. Don't take it away from them."  
  
"Emily, you have got to be kidding. Lucky is dead. He's not going to come walking through that door."  
  
"Nikolas, every day I think about my little girl. I'd rather think she was out there than that she might be dead. Do you want to take that hope away from Luke and Laura and Lulu? Someday we can tell them, but right not isn't the time. Please." Nikolas shook his head.  
  
"You're crazy," He said. He paced the room for a few minutes. I didn't know what to do. Finally he looked at me.  
  
"You're sure he's gone, Em? He was my brother. All this time.I hoped and prayed." Nikolas broke into tears. We sank down on the couch again. Together, we held on, fighting against the grief and the loss that encompassed us both. In the back of my mind, I could still hear Lucky's voice, but his essence wasn't gone. Nikolas was like a little boy lost. I felt so sorry for him, and for me and for all of us. But being with Nikolas, I saw for the first time, there was hope, maybe, just a little hope for the future. I leaned against Nikolas' chest, feeling the strength he wasn't sure he had. The words I spoke were heartfelt and true.  
  
"He'll never be really gone, Nikolas," I breathed. "Never." Nikolas hugged me closer. For the first time since that dreadful night I felt safe, for the very first time. And it felt good.  
  
Part III  
  
"Jacob you aren't making any sense," I cried the next afternoon. "I'm not going back to Port Charles."  
  
"Why not?" my friend reasoned. "There's nothing keeping you in Chicago. You only came here because it was the largest city you could get to with the amount of money you had." He wagged his eyes at me as I punched him in the shoulder.  
  
"Hey!" he laughed. "Em, I'm serious. It's time for you to get a life. You can't isolate yourself upstairs for the rest of your life."  
  
"Why not?" I demanded. "Tell me, why not."  
  
"Because you've sulked and felt sorry for yourself long enough," Nikolas put in coming to stand next to me. Jacob slapped Nikolas on the back.  
  
"I knew there was a reason I liked this man," he grinned. "He actually knows what makes you tick, Emily. Not too many people can say that."  
  
"Lucky knew what made me tick too," I shot back. I was angry and frustrated. Nikolas had been at me since this morning to come home. I kept reminding him I wanted to find Paige. I wasn't leaving the Midwest until I knew my daughter was safe. If she was adopted and happy that would be one thing, but I had to know.  
  
"Emily, you can't live in the past," Nikolas scolded.  
  
"I wish I could," I mumbled. Between them, Jacob and Nikolas, they convinced me to go back to the scene of the crime, to where I had lost my husband and where I could find my daughter, in Wisconsin. There was no place else to go. My friends were right. I only wondered if I was in my right mind to believe them.  
  
hr Central Wisconsin Women's Prison The Parking Lot  
  
"Nikolas, I don't know if I can do this," I said as we sat in Nikolas' rental car. It was a black Jag of course. I had teased him about it when I saw the car he was driving. He simply shrugged, his brown eyes crackling humorously. Now he returned my serious gaze with his own empathetic one.  
  
"Think of it, Emily. There's only a few ways to go about finding your daughter, and Lucky's. We've been to the County Courthouse. They won't release Paige's birth certificate to you. We don't know who handled Paige's adoption or even if she was adopted. The answers are in the Warden's office. At this point there is no where else to go."  
  
"But the detective Jacob hired didn't have any luck," I objected. Then I shook my head as I realized I was putting obstacles in my search for my own daughter.  
  
"I'm being difficult, aren't I?" I admitted, smiling just a little while the butterflies danced in my stomach. Nikolas smiled back. He was wearing a dark blue suit, appropriate for a businessman. The Greek features of his face gave him an almost disdainful appearance. Nikolas still treated the world as if he were the Prince and people should defer to him. It wasn't an act for him, just the way he had been raised. Yet, he had that human side where he knew most people would treat him like a regular person. In other words, Nikolas hadn't changed much in ten years. In a way, the very fact was refreshing.  
  
"Only because you are nervous. We don't have to go in right away. Our appointment with the Warden isn't for another ten minutes. What's the problem?" I looked around the parking lot, then towards the prison. The main building was old, built of a tan brick that kept the cold out in winter and unfortunately, the heat in, in the summer. All the buildings were like that. I still shuddered in remembering hot summer nights with no air conditioning, and women jammed two to a cell where one person would have been plenty. There was no escape. We were only allowed out of the cells at certain times, and into the yard even less. I had never seen the prison from this angle. It was clear to me that a mere visitor would have no clue about the hell you lived in, inside the place.  
  
"There's nothing to talk about, Nikolas. I spent seven years here, seven long miserable years for killing my own husband. As if I were a murderer, they convicted me. Then to add insult to injury, they took away my baby. All I ever wanted was for Lucky and Paige to come back to me.just to." I couldn't go on. Tears fell down my cheeks. I couldn't stop them. Nikolas waited patiently until I could brush the tears and emotions away.  
  
"Emily, are you ashamed of being in prison?" he asked. Startled I looked at him. My heart leaped before I realized it. I had forgotten how sensitive Nikolas could be. I nodded, unable to put into words what I felt.  
  
"I figured. That's the real reason you didn't call for help, isn't it? You didn't want the Q's to know? Or me? Or Luke and Laura?"  
  
"Mostly my family," I admitted. "Whoever heard of a jail bird named Quartermaine? The police didn't know my real name. Lucky and I were using the Bowen name. It all happened so fast. Being in prison is a degrading experience, Nikolas. You can't imagine."  
  
"No, I guess not," Nikolas admitted his voice reflecting a respect I hadn't expected. For a minute there was silence in the car. I moved to open the door. We had to go in. The Warden would be waiting. I really didn't think being late was a good idea. Without a word, Nikolas got out of the car too. He locked the doors with his remote control, and met me around the front of the car. To my surprise, he took both of my small hands in his, squeezing them gently.  
  
"Emily, you didn't do anything wrong. The wrong was done to you by the police and the prison." His brown eyes locked into mine. "You are one of the strongest, bravest people I have ever known. Give yourself credit. You lost Lucky. You lost Paige, and still you survived. You're still the same zany person I knew when we were teenagers, only now you are wiser, and more beautiful than ever." He pulled me into a hug, his warm acceptance a welcome embrace, finally protecting me in the way only someone you care for can. I realized I had found part of what I had missed for so many years. I had found a part of myself in Nikolas, a part of the person I had lost when Lucky died. Only Nikolas knew me as well as Lucky had. I pulled away, smiling just a little. Nikolas cocked his head, in a questioning manner.  
  
"Ready to go?" he asked.  
  
"No." I answered. He frowned. "But I'll go anyway." I was rewarded with a fake smack on the chin with Nikolas' fist.  
  
"Very funny," he laughed. Taking my hand, Nikolas Cassidine led me towards the entrance of a world I thought I would never have to confront again. His courage filled my own soul with the hope and determination I needed to face the Warden and to find the little daughter I had lost.  
  
"We're going to find her, Lucky. Please help us if you can," I whispered as we walked. The wind carried my words away so Nikolas didn't hear them, or so I thought at the time.  
  
A six foot barb wired fence kept visitors out of the Correctional Facility. By the same token, it kept prisoners inside. Nikolas rang a buzzer at the gate. In a minute, another buzzer sounded and we opened the gate together. We walked up seven steps to the old stone building. Inside, we entered a rotunda type room where the circular staircase to the left went up three floors, and the ceiling ended in a round dome four floors above. A desk with two guards dressed in Correctional Officer uniforms of gray and black awaited us. We walked hand in hand. This time I wasn't alone. I was still afraid, but I wasn't alone.  
  
At the desk, the two guards looked up as we approached them. I recognized Officer Osbecki. He was a tall, rather forbidding man who hid a quiet sense of humor. I smiled in relief, knowing that he would be polite and respectful. Like roughly half to 3/4th of the guards at the prison, Officer Osbecki gave respect if he received it.  
  
"Bowen?" he asked with a puzzled expression as we stopped in front of the desk.  
  
"Yes, Sir?" I returned, my responses so ingrained into me, I didn't think twice about addressing the man as Sir. Sir is what we called all the male officers. We called the women officers, Ma'am.  
  
"Bowen, what are you doing here? I kind of thought you might be one person I would never see here again."  
  
"Thanks," I replied. "I appreciate the sentiment. I never expected to come back here either. Fortunately I'm on the right side of the fence this time." Nikolas smiled while Officer Osbecki chuckled.  
  
"Good place to be. If you're here for visiting hours, they don't start till 2:00."  
  
"Umm, I think I know that," I teased back, feeling some of the butterflies settle down in my stomach. I made a face. In seven years I was one of the many inmates who never had a visitor at the prison. I never spoke of my family, and fortunately unless you offered information, people did not ask.  
  
"Okay, what's the deal?"  
  
"We're here to see Warden Powers. We have an appointment with her. This is my friend, Nikolas Cassidine. The appointment should be under Nikolas' name."  
  
"Cassidine?" Officer Osbecki looked at his partner who was looking through a book that seemed to have names written in for the day. It was obviously for appointments. I couldn't see the writing. He pointed out a name and time to Officer Osbecki.  
  
"Yes, his name is here. Why don't you sit down on the benches in the waiting room and I'll let the Warden know you are here." Officer Osbecki's eyes were kind as he spoke, holding back the questions I knew he must have. I nodded.  
  
"No problem," I answered. "Thank you for your help."  
  
"Any time, Miss Bowen," he replied. I felt myself snap back at the sound of the "miss" that Officer Osbecki put in front of my name as a gesture of respect. For so long, plain Bowen had meant the convict, the inmate, the murderer. Funny how being on the outside commandeered respect, even though I was the same person. Nikolas and I walked to the waiting room which was actually back by the entrance to the building, an oval room with benches lining the wall, and windows above the benches. It was a plain bare room, but bright with the rays of sun from outside. We sat down to wait.  
  
"He likes you," Nikolas observed. "Smart man."  
  
"Nikolas, this is serious," I objected. His tone was much too relaxed for our present mission. Didn't he realize how important this was?  
  
"Relax, Em. Being tense and anxious isn't going to make the Warden give us the information we need. Either she's going to help or she's not."  
  
"Easy for you to say," I returned. "Paige isn't your daughter." Nikolas' easy demeanor evaporated.  
  
"She's only my dead brother's child," he retorted standing up. The hurt and frustration in his voice was unmistakable. He walked over to one of the windows on the far side of the room. I followed him, touching the back of his shoulder with my hand. He didn't move.  
  
"Nikolas, I'm sorry," I apologized. He still didn't move.  
  
"Nikolas?"  
  
"You think that's all there is to it, Emily?" he asked, finally coming back to me. His face wasn't angry, only sad. I had truly hurt him. Remorse flooded me.  
  
"You can apologize and take away all those years? Emily, I lost my brother, and the niece I never knew I had. I know you understand how painful that is for you, but I'm only a step removed. Every time I think of Lucky, I wonder what I could have done, how I could have helped him or you, if I had only known." I reached up, trying to smooth away the furrow in Nikolas' brow, wiping away the tear that fell down his cheek. He looked like a little boy who needed protecting, every bit as much as I did.  
  
"You're right," I acquiesced. "For so long, I've been the only one to miss Lucky or Paige. It's weird, but knowing how you feel actually comforts me. I'm sorry, Nikolas. I won't be that callous again." Nikolas' tortured expression relaxed, but didn't disappear completely. In a way, I was glad. I wanted him to realize how important this meeting with the Warden was. If he was on guard, maybe more would get done.  
  
"Miss Bowen?" Officer Osbecki called from the entrance to the room. Nikolas and I hurried over to him.  
  
"The Warden is ready for you," he announced. "You can go up to the third floor via the elevator or the stairs. She's in room 315." Nikolas and I got into the small antiquated elevator. As it made it's sluggish way up to the third floor, I felt a little queasy.  
  
"Emily, we are going to get through this," Nikolas informed me when the elevator doors opened. In front of us were the numbers, rooms 300 - 312 to the right and rooms 315-330 to the left.  
  
"Emily?" Nikolas asked.  
  
"Give me a second," I begged.  
  
"Times up," came the quick reply. Nikolas knew me too well. If I waited, I would chicken out. He took my hand, practically pulling me down the long hall that encircled around the staircase. In front of room 325, he stopped, and knocked firmly on the door. I took a deep breath when he opened up the door and we entered.  
  
Part IV Central Wisconsin Women's Correctional Institution Warden Powers' Office  
  
"Warden Powers?" Nikolas asked. The Warden, a woman in her middle aged years, 45 or 50 perhaps, looked up from some papers she was working on. Her office was surprisingly small with only a small window behind her ergonomic chair. Her L-Shaped desk was large, and filled with files and loose papers, a computer, phone, and printer. A file cabinet lined one wall while a painted picture of the ocean's waves hung on another. It was simple and serviceable, nothing more.  
  
"Yes? Mr. Cassidine, I presume?" she replied, standing up. Reaching across the desk, she shook Nikolas' hand than glanced at me questioningly.  
  
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Warden. I am Nikolas Cassidine," Nikolas confirmed, stressing the word, "am." He put his arm around me, drawing me forward. I put on a brave front, trying to quiet the memories that seemed to suddenly overwhelm me. Never mind that the Warden had little to do with them. Just being in her presence was enough. Dressed in a black skirt with a white blouse, and black blazer, I knew I looked professional. That was the impression Nikolas and I meant to make.  
  
"This is my sister-in-law, Emily. We made an appointment to see you because we needed to get some information from you."  
  
"I see. Won't you sit down?" the Warden invited. She appeared comfortable, in control of her surroundings. Sitting down with Nikolas in two separate hard chairs, I wondered if we could truly find out where Paige was from this formidable woman.  
  
"What type of information may I help you with, Mr. Cassidine," Warden Powers asked. "I must admit, I was curious when you called my secretary. The Cassidine name is well known across the United States. I couldn't fathom what type of business you would have with this institution."  
  
"Nikolas is helping me, Warden," I started. Nikolas put his hand on mine. I let him speak.  
  
"As I said, Warden."  
  
"Warden Powers," the Warden corrected.  
  
"Warden Powers," Nikolas nodded. "As I said, Emily is my sister-in-law. She is also one of my best friends. She is a good, kind hearted person who was convicted of a crime she did not commit."  
  
"I see," the Warden repeated. "and you were incarcerated here Miss, er?"  
  
"Miss Bowen," I answered, still not divulging my real name. It was none of her business and I didn't feel comfortable being completely truthful with her. Why even I don't know.  
  
"Bowen? I don't recognize the name."  
  
"We met, once," I admitted.  
  
"Really? Did you get into some sort of trouble? It seems that the inmates I usually meet are the ones who disrupt the system." I almost choked on those words. Disrupt the system indeed. The truth was even minor infractions could end a person up in solitary confinement for 60 or even 90 days. More than one infraction in six months warranted a visit with the Warden. I was happy we had never come face to face.  
  
"I gave birth to a little girl while I was here," I explained. "You took her away from me eight years ago." The Warden looked from me to Nikolas, then back to me. Her face turned a little pale. Finally she sat back in her chair.  
  
"I remember now. You were convicted for murdering your husband. Naturally the child was taken away. You were facing a sentence of 25 years to life."  
  
"I won a post-conviction appeal," I said. "I was released after seven years. I didn't kill my husband, and the evidence presented on the appeal proved it."  
  
"Really? So your record is cleared?"  
  
"I don't think that's relevant to the conversation," Nikolas put in, his voice growing harder and more defensive.  
  
"Emily is your sister-in-law Mr. Cassidine?"  
  
"I believe I said that."  
  
"So she killed your brother? I'm surprised you are here on her behalf." Now Nikolas stood up. I hid a sudden smirk, knowing Warden Powers had gone too far. Thank God Nikolas had never doubted my story or the truth. His Greek temper was about to boil over. Warden Powers was sure to appreciate him.  
  
"I will say this once, Warden Powers. Emily did not kill my brother. If the police had done their job, looking past the obvious, especially a woman who was so grief stricken she could barely defend herself, she wouldn't have spent seven years in your hell, much less lost my niece. Now since you've heard of the Cassidine name, I'm guessing you may have figured that Emily is not some nobody you can push around. Her family is almost as wealthy and powerful as mine."  
  
"Her family?" Warden Powers asked in astonishment. "If she has such a powerful family, why didn't they come forward to take the baby?"  
  
"Because Emily was convinced she had something to be ashamed of and she never told them she was here. That was a mistake but who could blame her? She lost her husband and then her baby. Emily has survived horrors that were inflicted on her here, Warden Powers. We're done talking. We want to know what happened to my niece."  
  
"Surely you can't expect me to release that kind of information?" Warden Powers sputtered. She was growing distinctly uncomfortable. I wondered what some of the correctional facility inmates would thinks if they could just see her now.  
  
"I do expect to receive any information you have related to this matter. This wasn't just any child. She was very much loved by both her parents. If we don't get the information, I assure you I will sue this institution for kidnapping."  
  
"We did nothing of the sort!" came the indignant reply. "Emily was convicted of a crime. The child couldn't be raised here. She had to be sent to foster care or adoption."  
  
"Emily managed on her own, with a public defender, to get her conviction overturned. I guarantee you, she's a strong woman. With her family, and mine, we will prove that she was wrongly imprisoned and you are responsible for the loss of her child." I stood walking over to Nikolas who had placed himself firmly in front of the Warden. Her calm exterior was rapidly disintegrating.  
  
"I will find my daughter," I told her. "With or without your help."  
  
"and if she has been adopted? Will you disrupt her life? She's eight years old, correct? She may not even know she was adopted. Would you traumatize her by taking her away from the only family she has ever known?" It wasn't hard to read the woman's emotions. She was too close to the situation, and far too upset. I guessed immediately she knew more than she was saying.  
  
"You do know where she is, don't you?" I demanded. "For the love of God, I have to know if she is safe."  
  
"If I were to tell you she is safe, would you believe me?"  
  
"No!" I exclaimed. "I have to see her. I have to hold her.I have to." I couldn't help the tears that glistened in my eyes, then fell down my cheek. The Warden's face softened. Still she appeared anxious. She walked over to the file cabinet. Nikolas' hand slipped into mine, squeezing it firmly, giving me hope. I flashed him a watery smile. Warden Powers opened the file cabinet, three draws high. Her back blocked my view. After a few minutes of apparently searching, or perhaps hesitating to give in, she turned back to us. Holding a manila folder in her hand, she hid the front of it with her hip.  
  
"I beg you once again. You have no business bringing up the past. What's done is done."  
  
"What was done was a hateful injustice. Why is this so important to you?"  
  
"People who adopt through the institution often can't adopt through legal channels. Once they find out I broke one family's confidence, placing babies will be difficult if not impossible. People in this community are a proud folk, stout Germans, Norwegians, and Belgians. Please cease your insistence."  
  
"I promise you, we will be discrete," Nikolas answered. His face was set brooking no refusal. Warden Powers handed over the file. Nikolas took it for me. Together we walked back to the desk. Sitting down, we looked over the information written in the few pages that was there. A birth certificate listing me as the mother and Lucas Bowen as the father was there, and Paige's name, Paige Pearl Bowen. It was the name I had chosen for my child, knowing she was a jewel that had slipped through my fingers, one that I hadn't been certain I could ever get back. There was a second birth certificate for my baby, Cassidy Paige Taylor. The parents were listed as Daniel and Cassandra Taylor. They were an older couple, born in the 1960's. There were the adoption papers which gave us very little information.  
  
"Cassidy," I breathed. "Such a beautiful name."  
  
"She's a beautiful happy child," Warden Powers blurted. She gasped as she realized what she had said. Her hand went over her mouth as Nikolas and I both jumped, our heads snapping to attention, my own heart fluttering in surprise.  
  
"You do know her," I said, standing again. Warden Powers took a deep breath.  
  
"Yes, I know her. She was adopted by a friend of mine. They have another daughter who is a year younger. The children are very close. For you to rip Paige from her family would be cruel and senseless."  
  
"We're her family!" I cried. "You have no idea what you are talking about."  
  
"I have no idea? I think you have it in reverse Miss Bowen. You have no idea how long my friends waited for a child. You have no idea how blessed they felt when Paige was put into their arms. They honored her mother by keeping the name you gave her. You have no idea how fortunate they were when Cassandra became pregnant shortly after Paige arrived. My friend has had a difficult life. These past eight years have been a miracle to her. And you want to destroy it all."  
  
"I only want my child," I said slowly, carefully articulating what I needed. I needed Paige. Warden Powers was easily almost as upset as Nikolas and I were.  
  
"Let me talk to my friends," she pleaded again. "Let me warn them you are coming." Nikolas squeezed my hand again. A thousand thoughts were flying through my brain there one second and gone the next. Paige, my baby, was within my reach. I could see her soon, maybe even today. Eight years of waiting was about to come to an end. I still remembered her adoption was legal. I had given her up. I had no choice or so it seemed at the time. For her benefit, I had to sign those papers. Just because her father and I made mistakes didn't mean she should suffer. When I gave her up, I didn't know I would be out in seven years, and even if I had I don't know if I would have done anything different. My heart screamed to hold her. Logic screamed to protect her, even from me if needed.  
  
"I want their address and phone number. We need to talk about this."  
  
"If you persist in this folly, I will call the police," Warden Powers threatened.  
  
"Don't call the police," Nikolas warned. He lowered his voice to that dangerous level we had heard Stefan use once or twice, use when you need to blackmail someone. As Nikolas spoke, Warden Powers' face turned pale.  
  
"I've done my own research on the adoption practices of this institution. There have been bank deposits by three key players with several of the adoptions that have occurred in the last ten years. Much of that money has gone into your own bank account, Warden. Now, give us the name of the family who adopted Paige. Then you will contact them while we wait, and set up a time for us to come and meet Paige."  
  
"But I can't possibly." Warden Powers sputtered again.  
  
"You most certainly can."  
  
"You'll disrupt the child's life," the Warden went on. "you'll frighten her with your presence. Surely you wouldn't be so cruel. Let me talk to my friends. Let me work as a go-between."  
  
"So you can protect yourself?" I chided.  
  
"So I can protect the child and my friends. I will give you their name and address. If I don't call you by seven o'clock tonight you may call them yourselves." Nikolas and I exchanged glances. We truly had little choice. The truth was, as much as I wanted Paige, I knew what it was like to lose my family. I had been only a few years older than her when my mother and I left our home, my friends, my life in Arizona, and settled down in Port Charles. Then my mother died and nothing had ever been the same. I didn't want that for Paige.  
  
"If you try to take her away," Nikolas went on. "I assure you I have the power to have you all arrested."  
  
"I have no doubt. If you'll just write down where you can be reached?" Warden Powers snapped. She handed Nikolas a piece of paper. He wrote down the name and number of our hotel with the hotel room. Nikolas and I stood up. I still had my hand in his. My heart was thumping in disbelief. I don't know what I had expected from meeting with this woman, but getting this close to Paige had been only a hope. Now that hope was going to come true.  
  
"Good bye, Warden Powers," I said shortly. She nodded in return, her frown angry and chilling. I exited the room with Nikolas at my side. For the first time since Lucky's death, I felt as if a cloud were lifting, as if life wasn't a curse for a change.  
  
"Nikolas, you don't believe that woman do you?" I asked as we left. "Do you really think she'll call us?"  
  
"Well, let's just say I'm not taking any chances," Nikolas returned conspiratelly. We entered the elevator to go back down to the ground floor. Once there, we left the building without looking back at Officer Osbecki or anyone else. I knew Nikolas had a plan, but I wasn't sure if everything would work out. Feeling Nikolas' concern and my own fears as well as hopes, I looked up to the husband I had loved and lost a lifetime ago.  
  
"Lucky, help us," I prayed as I got into the Jag. "Please help us to do what's right."  
  
hr  
  
Across the street from the prison, Nikolas pulled into a restaurant parking lot. I looked at him as if he were nuts.  
  
"You can't tell me you are actually hungry, Nikolas," I cried. He grinned at me, then leaned around his seat to get his laptop. Without speaking, he turned on the computer.  
  
"Nikolas!"  
  
"Shhh. Just a minute," Nikolas answered. He turned the computer on, and waited for it to warm up. Every so often his eyes would drift towards the gate of the prison.  
  
"Okay, here it is," he said after about fifteen minutes. "Warden Powers's car and license plate number." He read off the make and model of the car and the plate.  
  
"We're going to wait for her?"  
  
"Yes. I'm guessing the first place she goes when she leaves the prison today is to her friend's. That's our best bet at finding Paige."  
  
"And if she doesn't go there?" I wondered out loud, my own eyes now running between the iron gate and Nikolas.  
  
"We'll go to plan B," Nikolas smiled.  
  
"Plan B?"  
  
"I haven't thought of it yet," my friend replied. I shook my head. I was so muddled, my thoughts centered only on my child, on the infant who would now be a little girl. She would have her own ideas, personality, and even her own type of beauty. She would possess traits that came from her father and me and many of her own. I wanted so much to share whatever I could with her. Hours passed while we waited. School buses went by. People left the restaurant and more came. We waited patiently, both us knowing we had nothing to lose and everything to gain.  
  
"Look," Nikolas ordered. I looked up to see a newer SUV leaving the prison. We both saw the plate matched the one we were looking for. Nikolas quickly revved up the engine and pulled out of the parking lot into traffic. Warden Powers was driving quickly and we almost lost her in traffic. If she hadn't been driving an SUV, we might have. She drove through the city streets as though she were in a hurry, slamming to a halt at one red light. I remembered how the city could suddenly give way to the countryside of dairy farms and isolated homes, like the one Lucky and I had rented so long ago. I was afraid if we did get into the rural areas, she might see us. Fortunately, we were able to stay behind another car until she turned right onto a long driveway that led to a modest farmhouse. We pulled over just past the house, out of sight beyond some trees. Getting out of the car, we hid behind the trees, watching as a small child came running out of the house to greet the Warden. For a split second I thought it was Paige, but from the distance, realized I could not be sure. Too quickly the pair disappeared into the house.  
  
"Good Lord," Nikolas gasped.  
  
"What?" I wondered out loud.  
  
"Surely that woman hasn't adopted Paige herself! What a nightmare."  
  
"If she has," I replied, my voice firm, "She's in for the fight of her life." Nikolas took my hand.  
  
"What do you want to do?" he asked. A fire of emotion overcame me.  
  
"We have to go up there. We have to see if Paige is there."  
  
"There will be a scene," Nikolas warned. "Do you want Paige to be upset?"  
  
"No, but maybe we can do this without upsetting Paige."  
  
"Wait, Em. We'll go back to the hotel. If that woman doesn't call, we'll come out here first thing in the morning. At least we know where Paige is now."  
  
"But I want to hold her, to talk to her," I wailed, my maternal instinct tumbling outward. Nikolas cocked his head.  
  
"We need to protect her, Em," he reminded me.  
  
"Why do you have to be so practical," I demanded almost petulantly. Nikolas turned on the ignition. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.  
  
"Cause I know what's best for you," he teased. I hit him in the shoulder. He didn't respond, just drove back into the city. I turned the radio on, listening to the music, but not really hearing it. Instead I thought of the child I had seen, and wondered again if she had been my child. If only dreams really could come true.  
  
hr  
  
Screams woke me in the middle of the night, loud piercing screams, and the screams of someone who was in agony. It was a shock to realize they were my cries for help. Sitting up in bed, I realized the room was flooded with light. Nikolas was holding me in his arms, telling me it was only a dream. I felt as if I were sinking in blackness, as if each second were pulling me deeper and deeper into an abyss. The horrifying emotions overcame me as I screamed hysterically trying to rid myself of my nightmares.  
  
"Lucky," I screamed. "Lucky don't die. Please don't leave us. Oh God, my baby. Where is she? Where is Paige." I couldn't stop shaking, my body trembling with the pictures that had awakened me, pictures I could no longer remember.  
  
"Emily!" Nikolas cried. "Emily, listen to me." His voice was strong and in control. Looking back, I can almost hear the fear in his voice, but I didn't notice it then. I only heard him trying to calm me down.  
  
"Emily, we're in a hotel. Remember? Emily, Lucky's gone, but we're going to find Paige. We're going to see her very soon. Emily, listen to me." Nikolas' words reached me as if an echo were sounding around me. When I realized who it was I collapsed in my friend's arms, still sobbing. Without hesitation, Nikolas Cassidine held me, whispering softly, reassuring me, and letting me know I was no longer alone. His arms were protective caring for me without thought. When I had stopped shaking, I pulled back leaning against the wall, my relief that the nightmare was over, washing over me as somehow I finally let the light enter my soul. Nikolas sat on the edge of the bed, silently waiting. It seemed as if an eternity had just gone by. In truth only a few minutes had passed.  
  
"I'm sorry," I started to apologize.  
  
"Don't," he interrupted, his hand touching mine. "There's no need. That must have been some dream."  
  
"I don't know," I sighed. "I can't remember."  
  
"I can see why. Emily, you need some help dealing with everything that's happened to you. You can't go on like this."  
  
"You think I don't know that?" I snapped. I closed my eyes. Pictures of myself and Lucky made the tears fall again. If I dreamed, I could imagine he was sitting on the edge of the bed, not Nikolas. That wasn't fair and I knew it. Nikolas was trying to help me. In some ways he was in almost as much pain as I was.  
  
"Why do you care so much?" I demanded rather ruthless in my choice of words.  
  
"You know why, Em."  
  
"No I don't," I insisted. "Or maybe I just needed to hear why again." Nikolas, dressed only in a pair of blue silk pajama pants, his lean muscular chest bare, and his dark hair slightly askew from sleep and his eyes filled with his own sorrow, spoke.  
  
"When you and Lucky disappeared, a big part of my life came to a sudden and abrupt halt. No matter what I did, working at the hospital or with the Foundation for the Cassidines, I kept wondering where you two were. Then, one day, about the same time you say Lucky died, I felt completely lost. I knew something had happened to Lucky. Do you understand what that meant to me, Em? We missed out on so much in our lives. It took us years to truly become brothers. And just when it seemed as if our lives should have been on an even keel, Lucky has to disappear to save his life and yours or so we think. Then, when I'm sure he's gone, I have to go on, not knowing where you are, if are alive or dead, or suffering in some hell hole. I can't believe you were in that hell hole. I never thought you were in prison, Emily. Never. But I was hurting all those years. All those years." I stared at him, at the stark anguish in those brown eyes. Now Nikolas was trembling. I took his hand in mine, squeezing it gently.  
  
"It's hard to see past our own loss," I admitted. "I sometimes wonder if I hadn't got lost in the snow, if somehow I had gotten him medical help. But I don't know what else I could have done."  
  
"You blame yourself for Lucky's death?" Nikolas cried. His amazement was evident. Ashamed, I nodded.  
  
"Oh for God's sake," Nikolas swore. He shook his head. "You are the most conscientious woman."  
  
"Conscientious?"  
  
"Only you could blame yourself for events you couldn't control. It had nothing to do with you, Emily. The truth is that Lucky made a mistake and all of you, you, Lucky and Paige paid. Lucky paid with his life. You paid with seven years in prison, and Paige."  
  
"Paige isn't going to pay. Of all of us, she is not going to suffer from this," I said. I meant it. My daughter had had a happy life so far, or so the Warden had said.  
  
"Maybe being so close to Paige is what set the nightmare off," Nikolas suggested. Both of us were becoming a little more calm. My heart still felt as though it were sinking in despair.  
  
"Maybe," I answered, unwilling to really delve further into my feelings. "You'd better get back to bed. Since the Warden told us to be at the farm at 8:30, we'll need to get up early."  
  
"Paige won't be there, Em."  
  
"I know." I leaned forward, kissing him on the check. "Thanks for being there."  
  
"Anytime, Em. You know that." Nikolas got up. He walked to the door of my room, then looked back at me, winking lightly. He shut the door behind him, going into the adjacent room. I turned off the light. The darkness didn't frighten me. Being alone did. Cuddling down under the covers, I tried to find Lucky as I often had in prison, always to no avail. Tonight I could not find him either. I fell asleep crying for what I knew was truly gone.and what I still stood to lose in the morning dawn.  
  
hr  
  
The morning came slowly. I slept only a few hours. Most of the night I laid in bed, thinking of Lucky, wondering what he would want me to do for our daughter. He would have made such a good father, I mused as I showered, then dressed casually in jeans and a yellow blouse that I tucked beneath my slender waist. I still let my hair hang long, though in prison I had kept it short as most of the other women did. A knock at the door of my room told me Nikolas was ready. I locked my suitcase, put it on the bench by the tiny closet area, and opened the door, my jacket and purse in hand.  
  
"Good morning," Nikolas greeted. His eyes told me instantly he hadn't slept any better than I did. I nodded.  
  
"Morning. We'd better hurry."  
  
"You need some breakfast," Nikolas reminded me.  
  
"We can grab something downstairs on the way out, free continental breakfast remember? I'm not very hungry anyway."  
  
"Me either," Nikolas agreed. I stepped out of the room in to the corridor.  
  
"Em, are you sure we should do this?" he asked one more time. I gave him a look I hoped spoke a thousand words. Seeing Paige, or even meeting the family who had cared for her for the last eight years was not open for discussion. He simply took my hand.  
  
"You have great courage my friend," he said, kissing me on the check. The warmth I felt from him was unconditional, overwhelming, something I hadn't felt for a long time.  
  
"Flatterer," I teased. We left the hotel and went on our way. I personally wondered if Nikolas had more butterflies in his stomach than I did. As we drove through the countryside with the birds chirping and the green grass billowing in the wind, the wind singing through the trees, and the cows grazing in the fields, it felt like an ordinary day. It definitely wasn't, definitely not an ordinary day.  
  
"We'll be fine," Nikolas assured both of us. We pulled into the farm. I had to hide a smile wondering what these people would think of a Jag pulling into their driveway. A couple came out of the white farmhouse. It was well cared for. A red barn sat off to the rear of the house about a hundred yards. The drive was well worn. The only thing missing were some chickens clucking around to make you feel as if you were stepping into a scene out of time. The couple stood their arms around each other's waists, their concern evident, but amazingly, no anger or hatred evident. They invited Nikolas and me graciously into their home.  
  
"I'm Daniel Taylor. This is my wife, Cassandra," Mr. Taylor introduced stepping forward. "Welcome to our home." Mrs. Taylor, on closer inspection was nervous, perhaps as nervous as I. She reminded me of my own mother in a way, wearing a blue dress with a white apron. Her brown hair was pulled back in a braid that she wound around her head. Her green eyes were kind, if anxious. Next to her her husband was dressed in blue jean overalls with a white t-shirt underneath, and sturdy brown shoes on his feet for working with farm animals. They were a normal farm couple. Imagine a normal couple raising my child? What would the Q's say?  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Taylor," Nikolas replied. "I'm Nikolas Casssidine and this is my sister-in-law, Emily Spencer."  
  
"I was given to understand your last name was Bowen," Mrs. Taylor said in surprise.  
  
"It is. My true name is Emily Bowen Quartermaine Spencer. My husband was Lucas Spencer."  
  
"I see," she replied. "Won't you come inside?" I touched Mrs. Taylor's hand. She looked at me with a rather puzzled expression.  
  
"Mrs. Taylor," I assured her. "I'm not here to disrupt your life or Paige's. I just have to know about my little girl." My words did seem to assure her. She touched my shoulder in reply.  
  
"Thank you," She said. We all went into the house together. We stepped through a large airy kitchen complete with white frilly curtains, and a large kitchen table, obviously meant for happy family meals. It was very clean and tidy. In the living room, pictures of the children lined one whole wall. Paige and her sister were well represented in pictures of all shapes and sizes. I was transfixed by the pictures at once, staring at them, seeing the children together from babyhood on. It was obvious they were close. One little girl was a blond bundle of joy with bright green eyes, a tiny oval face, and bright red cheeks. In several pictures she had her head turned up to an older sister, to my little girl. Paige was easy to recognize. She was me all over again with my brown hair, my face, and Lucky's blue eyes. I touched one portrait then turned to see Nikolas standing behind me. He hugged me as I wept for what we had lost.  
  
"Won't you sit down," Mrs. Taylor said. "I've got some coffee and doughnuts of you'd like some refreshment."  
  
"No, thank you," I replied. "I'm much too nervous." I smiled then after admitting my anxiety.  
  
"I think we're all nervous," Mrs. Taylor returned. "This is something I've been afraid of ever since I held Paige in my arms for the first time, always afraid of losing her."  
  
"Now, Cassandra," Mr. Taylor said.  
  
"You know it's true. Mildred always warned us. But that child has brought such joy to our lives. You have to understand, Mrs. Spencer, Paige was a dream come true for us. We had been wanting a baby for so long, and when she came, she was our miracle. I'd have to admit, I've always wondered where she got her precociousness from. Our younger daughter can barely keep up with her, adores her though."  
  
"You had to know her father," I smiled.  
  
"No, knowing Emily would do it," Nikolas laughed.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Only telling the truth, Em. Mrs. Taylor, my sister-in-law didn't give up Paige willingly."  
  
"She signed the adoption papers."  
  
"I had no choice," I put in. "I was framed, Mrs. Taylor. I did not kill my husband, I assure you. I would never hurt him, never. Lucky.Lucky owned my heart. He was the best." The Taylor's exchanged glances. Mr. Taylor leaned forward now to speak his mind.  
  
"I have to admit when Mildred approached us about adopting a child whose mother was a convicted murderer, I had my doubts. But the child is innocent of the parents' crimes is it not or so we are taught by the good book. The truth is, as Paige grew, she was such a happy child. It was obvious she was conceived in love. There were never any shadows over her. She radiated sunshine from the day she came to us. Over the years I've had my doubts about the true story."  
  
"Me too," Mrs. Taylor admitted. She stood up and walked over to where the children's pictures were hung. She took one of Paige off the wall. It was the most recent school picture. She gave it to me.  
  
"You see this child. Isn't she an angel? She's never perfect mind you, squabbling with her sister, or giving me a little lip, but she's only testing. Other times she's playing with the dog or helping her father with the cows, or collecting the eggs. It's like watching my heart beat."  
  
"She sounds like me," I had to admit. "I often gave my mother lip. She was always patient, and kind and encouraging. Paige was named for her."  
  
"Your mother sounds like a good woman," Mrs. Taylor said.  
  
"She was," I replied. I stared at the picture, at the little face that looked up at me. My own heart was bursting with pride over this little girl, but I knew, even as I looked at that picture, that Paige wasn't my child. Even though she was my body and soul, the epitome of the love her father and I had for each other, she was the child of Daniel and Cassandra Taylor. This was her identity. In the depths of my soul, this is what I was afraid of. The day I gave Paige away was the day I lost her. I burst into tears.  
  
"What the?" Nikolas cried. He pulled me into his arms. I held Paige's picture close to me. It took me a little while to stop crying. I didn't care. It didn't matter. The world around me didn't exist, only my child, and myself, the child I would never have again. My dreams were shattered as reality dawned. Suddenly Nikolas stood up. In his place, Mrs. Taylor was sitting. Her empathetic eyes were filled with her own tears. She was at least fifteen years older than me, perhaps old enough to be my own mother. She lifted my chin, and used a handkerchief she pulled from her apron pocket to wipe away my tears.  
  
"You love her very much, don't you?" she inquired.  
  
"She's my baby," I wailed, crying again. This time, Paige's true mother held me in her arms. We cried together while the men waited.  
  
"She's not a baby anymore," Mrs. Taylor told me. "She's a free spirit filled with dreams and hopes, perhaps just like you."  
  
"You love her so much," I whimpered.  
  
"Yes we do."  
  
"Can I meet her, please, oh please. I just want to meet her. I won't tell her who I am. You see I understand more than you think. My mother died when I was a few years older than Paige. I know what it's like to have your life uprooted as a child. I don't want that for Paige. I don't want her to cry for her mother at night and act as if her new family is all she ever wanted. I don't want her to grieve for what she doesn't want to lose. I only want to know her." Mrs. Taylor stroked my face.  
  
"You poor child," she said. "I never expected you to feel so much, but maybe I should have. You are a mother, Emily. You are Paige's mother every bit as much as I am."  
  
"But she's your little girl. She'd be devastated if I took her away. This is all she knows, and it's apparently the way it's supposed to be."  
  
"Paige will be home after school," Mr. Taylor said. "Why don't you spend the day with us, get to know us? Then you can meet her and her sister when they come home. They always like to meet new people my girls do. They're definitely not shy. Well, Chelsea can be, but Paige doesn't usually let it last. I won't lie to you, Emily, Nikolas, we've always been worried about Paige's mother attempting to claim her. I take it that is not going to happen?"  
  
"That's up to Emily," Nikolas said. He came to take Mrs. Taylor's place. She sat back on the sofa next to her husband. I turned to Nikolas, taking his hands in mine.  
  
"What are you thinking?" I asked.  
  
"Of Paige," I whispered.  
  
"And Lucky?" I couldn't keep my mind on the Taylors or what they wanted. I could only think of Paige.and her father.  
  
"What would he want?" I wondered out loud. "Would he want me to destroy his child? She would be you know. She'd be fragmented the way I was when my mother died. Oh, Nikolas, I know she's my baby. I know she's Lucky's child, but she has a home here. This is all she has ever known. How can I take her away?"  
  
"But you have a right to know her. Emily, this was all out of your control. What about Luke and Laura? Don't they have a right to know their grandchild?"  
  
"May I interrupt?" Mr. Taylor asked. We turned to look at him in surprise.  
  
"Mildred doesn't know. She's so protective of Paige. She's her Godmother, but Paige is aware she's adopted. We could never keep that kind of information from her. We're not afraid to introduce you as her mother. I think she'll be just fine with that."  
  
"Really?" I breathed, feeling a load fall off my shoulders. "It would mean so much to me."  
  
"We've said it several times. We always knew you might come back, even fight us for custody. We told Paige she was adopted when Chelsea was a baby. The girls have always known that babies come to their mommies and daddies in different ways."  
  
"You've been very insightful," I observed. Nikolas squeezed my hand. "It's as if all my prayers were answered. Every night in that place, I prayed for my little girl and God placed her with you."  
  
"We're not paragons, Emily," Mrs. Taylor replied.  
  
"Just a normal family, I would guess," I admitted. "Thank you, Mrs. Taylor."  
  
"It's Cassie, and my husband is Daniel." Her voice was warm. No matter how cold and irritating the Warden had been, this couple was kind and good. My Paige had been given a good home, and she deserved to reap the benefits of true love. What could I give her in place of such security? Even my love couldn't make it for it if I took her away. Once more I fell sobbing into Nikolas's arms. My dreams for being reunited with Paige, for raising her by myself were over. Nikolas held me close, holding back his own emotions though I could feel him trembling. We had come to a dead end. Lucky was gone. Paige was lost to both of us. Where did we go from here?  
  
hr  
  
Surprisingly the day went quickly. Cassie was kind enough to share more photos of my daughter, even some videos. Daniel was working on the chores on the farm and Nikolas spent some time with him. I cried often that day, watching my little girl grow up in front of me. It should have taken years, not minutes or hours. At one point, Cassie turned a page in a photo album and there for all the world to see, was the letter I had slipped under Paige's blanket all those years ago. Incredulously I stared at Cassie. She smiled, the tears in her eyes glistening. She put her hand on mine.  
  
"When I read this letter, I knew Paige came from a very special woman," She informed me. I smiled back.  
  
"She was all I had you see," I told them. "All I wanted was for her to be safe."  
  
"I can see that," Cassie said. "She is. She's loved. I love her with all my heart."  
  
"and I can see that," I agreed. I read the short letter I had written before Paige was born, determined to give her a part of myself. I touched the page, thanking God I had had the courage to write it, so that someday Cassie and Daniel and Paige wouldn't be too afraid to let me into their lives. Cassie read it out loud, her own voice choking on some of the words.  
  
Dear Paige;  
  
This letter is from the mommy who carried you beneath her heart for nine months. You were born of a very special love, of a love that could only be created between your father and me. Your father was the best man there ever was and he loved us with everything he had, his heart, his soul, his very self, just as I love you.  
  
I can't take care of you right now. So God is going to find you a very special home with a very special mommy and daddy who will give you all the love you deserve. I've said lots of prayers, so I know you will be happy. God let me carry you, but I think he meant for your new mommy and daddy to take care of you and to love you. You will have two mommies and two daddies to always watch out for you and make sure that you always remember how very special and very loved you are. God Bless you my angel.  
  
Love, your Birth Mommy.  
  
"Every time I was afraid of losing Paige, I would read this letter. I knew the woman who wrote this letter would never take my girl from me. But I also knew that someday I would have to share her with you, and that scared me too." We hugged each other, both us crying. I wiped away my tears.  
  
"I promise, I only want what's best for her, for all of us. I could never hurt her."  
  
"I know." We didn't say much more beyond that. When 3:00 came and we had to leave the house to meet the children's bus, I was deeply emotional, yet strangely peaceful. In just a few hours I had come to accept the inevitable. All I wanted now was to share as much of Paige's life as I could. That was all I wanted.  
  
It was like walking in a dream down that long driveway. The sky was blue above us. It was warm enough to be without a coat. The wind was still blowing, but it was a more gentle wind, not as high as it had been before. The air was fragrant with fresh flowers and roses in Cassie's garden. The fragrance was intermixed with the cows that grazed in the nearby fields. It was an odd smell that I still remember. We stood at the end of the driveway, holding hands as the bus drove down the road. It stopped at our drive. Two figures appeared on the bus, then scampered out right into Cassie's arms.  
  
"Mommy," the children cried, coming to a stop in front of us. I barely remember seeing little Chelsea. Paige.Paige filled my gaze. The pictures, the videos did nothing to truly portray the child. I held my patience, very carefully. It was extremely difficult to say the least.  
  
"Hey, Girls," Cassie said. "Welcome home."  
  
"Do we have company, Mommy?" Paige asked, her body poised and excited.  
  
"Yes, we do, Darling. Paige, Chelsea, this is my friend, Emily."  
  
"Emily?" Paige asked.  
  
"Yes. Come on. Let's get some milk and cookies and you can get to know Emily. She's a nice lady." I smiled. Cassie had known me only a few hours. Yet she was paving the way for me. Her kindness was truly appreciated.  
  
In the house, the girls changed their clothes and then came crashing down the stairs together, laughing and talking as if there were no tomorrow. Over the noise, Cassie and I just smiled. They were finally quiet when Cassie had poured them each a glass of milk and given them some oatmeal cookies.  
  
"How come we never met, Emily before, Mom?" Paige asked.  
  
"Well, Emily is a new friend," Cassie said. "You make new friends at school. I can make a new friend, can't I?"  
  
"Sure, Mom," Little Chelsea replied. She was a pretty child with her blond hair and pouty little face. Paige looked from her mother to her sister to me.  
  
"I know you," She said suddenly. She startled both Cassie and me.  
  
"You do?" I wondered.  
  
"Yep. You look like me. You look just like me."  
  
"You're very observant for a little girl," I answered.  
  
"Except you have brown eyes. I have blue eyes."  
  
"Yes you do," I said.  
  
"Where do I get my blue eyes from?" The child had put down her milk. Even Chelsea was quiet. I could barely breathe while Cassie's face was pale. I knelt down by the child's side. Her eyes met mine. I touched her cheek.  
  
"You get your eyes from a very wonderful man, a man who would be very proud to know you."  
  
"Why?" came the little voice.  
  
"Because you have a wonderful mommy and daddy who have taught you to be a beautiful little girl."  
  
"I'm not beautiful. Chelsea's the pretty one."  
  
"You're pretty, Paige," Chelsea defended her sister. Cassie and I burst out laughing. The children evaporated into giggles. I pulled up a chair as did Cassie.  
  
"Mommy told me you might come to visit some day," Paige went on after we had all collected ourselves. "You're my birth mommy aren't you?"  
  
"Yes, I am. I wanted to meet you. Is that okay?"  
  
"Sure." Paige was totally unraveled. I owed Cassie and Daniel more than I could ever say.  
  
"And if I come by and visit sometimes will that be okay too?"  
  
"You'll just be visiting?" she asked, her voice hesitant for the first time. I touched her shoulder. She didn't draw away.  
  
"I promise, just to visit," I assured her. At that moment, Nikolas and Daniel came into the house. Chelsea ran for her father. He threw her up in the air in greeting. The rest of us stood up. Paige let me put my arm around her.  
  
"Paige," Daniel called to his daughter, his daughter, I thought reflectively. Paige ran to him and he hugged her just as he did Chelsea. Blood of his blood, it didn't matter that my daughter was adopted. She was his every bit as much as Chelsea. Nikolas came to stand with me.  
  
"Is this another friend, Mommy," Paige asked.  
  
"This is Nikolas, Paige. He's your real daddy's brother. He's a good guy."  
  
"You don't have blue eyes," Paige told him bluntly.  
  
"No, I don't," Nikolas chuckled. "Lucky's eyes were definitely his. We'll have to show you a picture of Lucky." I fumbled in my purse. In a special pocket, I found a picture of my husband, of the man I had missed for so long, of the man I finally had to put to rest. He wasn't coming back. Our dream was over. I took the picture out. It was one of both of us, taken at Kelly's as a matter of fact. Paige came over to Nikolas and me with Chelsea curiously beside her.  
  
"This is your daddy," I told her. "His name was Lucky."  
  
"Lucky? That's a funny name," Chelsea said.  
  
"Well he was a funny kind of guy sometimes," Nikolas grinned. "But he was a stand up man."  
  
"Where is he?" Paige asked. She looked curiously at the picture, then up at me.  
  
"Well, he had to go away. He's in heaven, watching over us. Do you know about heaven, Paige?"  
  
"My Sunday school teacher taught us," Paige said. "That's where the angels are."  
  
"Yep. Your daddy is an angel. So you have your mommy and daddy here to take care of you. But if you're ever scared, you can talk to Lucky and I'll bet he'll be right there to listen to you." I saw a rather uncomfortable look pass between Daniel and Cassie. Daniel pressed his wife's arm protectively. She sighed.  
  
"You know Paige," I said, sitting down and drawing her into my lap. I looked up at her parents, then down at her inquisitive blue eyes, Lucky's eyes staring innocently at me.  
  
"You are a very lucky little girl. You have a mommy and a daddy right here who love you very much. And you have an angel to watch over you, and you have me and Nikolas to visit when you get a little older. But you must always, always pay attention to your mom and dad cause they know what's best for you. They took care of you and loved you and brought you home when I couldn't, and they'll always, always be there for you."  
  
"Will you be there for me?" She asked.  
  
"If you need me, sweetie. If you need me. But you must always ask your mom and dad first. Never forget, I'm your birth mommy, but your real mom and dad are standing right in front of you." The words were like molasses, so difficult to say, but needed so badly to be said. Paige leaned up and gave me a kiss, then ran to her mom and dad. Nikolas put his arm around me again.  
  
"Time to go," he announced.  
  
"Yes, it is," I agreed. I looked at Daniel and Cassie with the children standing in front of them. This was their life. This was Paige's life. It wasn't mine. I walked over to Cassie. We hugged.  
  
"Take care of our girl," I told her. "Please."  
  
"No question," Cassie answered. "Keep in touch, for her sake and ours."  
  
"I will. Thank you." It was all so formal. Before I knew it, we were walking out the front door, Nikolas and I. We were halfway to the Jag when Paige came running after us.  
  
"Emily?" she called out. I stopped to turn back to her. Kneeling down, I saw her handing me the picture I had given her. She wore a pair of blue jeans, and a bright red shirt. Her brown hair cascaded over her little shoulders. Her face was so serious.  
  
"Paige?"  
  
"This is yours," She told me. She handed me the picture of Lucky and me. I looked at it, then back at her.  
  
"You miss him, don't you?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"Do you miss me?" she went on. I looked over shoulder. Daniel and Cassie stood in the doorway, but they were out of ear shot. I could have said or done anything. I resisted the urge to pick her up and flee with her. I kissed her cheek again.  
  
"Paige, sometimes things are very complicated. I think God wanted you to be born because you have a very special purpose in life."  
  
"A special purpose?" the child asked in confusion. "What purpose?"  
  
"I don't know. We'll have to find out when you grow up. I will always miss having you with you, but you will always be in my heart, I promise. In the meantime, I think what you have to learn, and the family you need is right here. Do you trust me?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Honest reply. Do you trust your mom and dad?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Then you keep on trusting them, Paige, and you'll grow up to fulfill your purpose. I promise." She didn't understand, I'm sure. She had a few tears in her eyes. I wiped them away.  
  
"Would you like to keep the picture?" I asked her. "You don't have to."  
  
"I want to. Then I can have all my mommies and daddies with me," she said.  
  
"Sound idea," I agreed. "I love you, Paige. I will always love you." My little daughter hugged me as I hugged her.  
  
"Good-bye, Mommy," she whispered in my ear, then ran back to Cassie. She showed Cassie the picture, then turned to wave to us. Nikolas and I waved back. We got in the Jag to drive off. Nikolas put his hand on mine. I stared, my heart aching at the family on the front porch of that white farmhouse.  
  
"I've lost her," I whispered. Nikolas' hand pressed mine.  
  
"You haven't," he told me with pride in his voice. "You've just begun."  
  
"You think so?" I asked.  
  
"I know so, Em. I'm very proud of you."  
  
"Maybe," I conceded. Nikolas put the car in reverse and we drove out of the driveway. On the road, I looked back, knowing I was leaving a part of my soul behind. I pushed back the tears. The time for shedding them was done. Nikolas and I drove back silently to the hotel. In the parking lot, we parked the car. Nikolas came around to open the door of the Jag in his usual gentlemanly fashion. In the parking lot, in front of the whole world, he gathered me in his arms holding me close. The tears were gone, but the emotions were there.  
  
"Where to now, Emily?" he asked. I pulled away looking at the world around me, my heart and soul aching for Paige, but knowing I had to go on. Nikolas' courage, Lucky's courage and my own would see us through.  
  
"I don't know if I can go home, if I can face Luke and Laura," I mumbled. "It's going to be so difficult for them."  
  
"Not as difficult as you might think. Don't you think that they've come to terms with losing both Lucky and you, that while we might hurt them a little, it's better in the end for them to know?"  
  
"It's not fair," I said. "It's just not fair."  
  
"No," Nikolas agreed. He lifted my chin as Cassie had.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You are so beautiful," he told me.  
  
"Flatterer."  
  
"That too. Let's get our things. It's time to go home." He started off towards the hotel lobby. I grabbed his hand. He looked down then at me.  
  
"You won't leave me, will you?" I begged from the depths of my soul. He was all I had. He took both my hands in his big strong ones, kissing me on the cheek, then wondering down to my lips. To my surprise, I didn't draw away. I let him kiss me, my friend, my companion, the man who had rescued me. Was that all it was? I wasn't sure. His taste was different from Lucky's. It wouldn't be the same, only different, perhaps just as special. We drew apart. The love in his eyes warmed my soul again. He put his arm around me to go inside.  
  
"I'll never leave you out of my sight, Em. Never." I took him at his word. I didn't know where we were going or what we were doing. I only knew I was going on with my life. Paige and Nikolas would always be a part of my life. So would Lucky. As I entered the hotel in front of Nikolas, I closed my eyes for a second, and pictured him, his laughter, his arms around me, his voice, his hand on my tummy when he realized I was pregnant, his lips on mine when we said, "I do."  
  
"Good bye, Lucky," I said to myself, so low no one could hear except the wisps of time. Perhaps it was a figment of my imagination that I felt a bit of a kiss on my lips, and knew that he too was saying good bye, perhaps not forever, just until we would meet again.  
  
"Let's go home, Nikolas," I said. "Let's go home."  
  
"Anything you want, Em. Anything you want." We went into the hotel to get our things, and to go home. It was time to start a life again. It was time to start my life. I could only hope and pray that with Nikolas at my side, and Lucky helping us out, this time we would make it, and if we did, Paige would be by our side every day, in every way. Our hearts would always be afire with love. And no one, but no one would ever take that away from us again. 


End file.
